Chapter V, Part II: On Mormons

My companions were eager to know what a Pakistani was doing in Guatemala and about my religion. As any barely practicing muslim, I knew the basics, had the things-to-say-to-white-people speech on Islam down perfectly and the Mormons were in awe (of course!). Then came my turn to ask them about Mormonism, Joseph Smith and all that I had learned from South Park.

"So tell me," I began. "Do you guys really believe that Jesus came to the Americas after his ... umm, death? First disappearance before the second coming? I'm sorry, how do you say it?"

"Ha ha. Verily, thou art funny, yay. But nay, Umair of the Syeds, we believe that upon his crucifixion, our Lord resurrected somewhere upon the plains of Mexico or Guatemala. I mean, ha ha, it is not as if he took a boat and came here. That would be absurd and ridiculous, especially at that time."

"No, you're right. Resurrection makes a lot more sense." I managed to blind them from my cynicism and sarcasm, but have no idea how I maintained a straight face. "So just to make this clear for me, let me summarize what I know about your church: Jesus gets resurrected in Central America, brings christianity to the natives here, gets betrayed for the second time and goes away ... again. And Joseph Smith finds these two stones, puts them in a hat, translates them into the Book of Mormons and the Latter-Day Saints are born."

"Well, yes, more or less. But there is so much more to it. You see ..." They went on about the goodness of their religion and all that it had done for them and how I, like one other they knew, was very curious and very smart and upon joining them, he believed as well. They also told me about the mention of Jesus as Quetzalquatl in the Mayan's holy book; a strange white man with from beyond their world came to them wearing Quetzal feathers on his head and promised he would return; which is also why the Mayans greeted the Spaniards with arms wide upon, thinking they belonged to Quetzalquatl (this is actually true; I have met several archaeologists here and all of them have told me how this story is what has attracted so many Mormons to archaeology in Guatemala and the country itself). Their tone and gestures were very welcoming and sincere and, honestly, in spite of their beliefs, I kinda liked them (I respect their beliefs, yes, but I am a cynic and mockery is often necessary).