Chapter IX: On DORA the Penetrator (For Asian release: The Day of McTamuyver)
This has happened to everyone at one point or another. You're busy gathering your cellphone, balls, bags n' all when you forget to take the most important thing. And by the time you realize your folly, it's too late ...
The bloody car keys!
Well this happened to Tamim today in the scorching heat of the barren desert factory that is Packages Ltd. And Friday prayers were already under way so Tamim had to abandon the efforts until after expressing his frustrations with the Lord.
"Why, Lord?", Tamim cried after his prayers, standing at the very edge of the mosque which was exposed to direct sunlight, the ground too rocky and broiling to sit or stand on for more than a few seconds. "Why doth Thee forsake the Tamim?" But the Lord did not respond. He simply let the sun and insufferable heat scorch me as the horde of worshippers trampled before and behind me, their impatience yet another indicator of the bitch of a heatwave festering our beings.
Miserable and frustrated, Tamim trudged back to his car after callously putting his sandals back on and began contemplating the next irksome steps for regaining access to his butthole of a vehicle.
Tamim will have to call the father, he thought, or perhaps take a rickshaw, go all the way back home in the mind-melting heat, grab the spare key, explain to any bystanders I bump into at home how I ended up in this horror for the 547th time, and then drive all the way back to work only to find that the day was beyond done. Needless to say, Tamim was displeased.
But just as he was nearing his car, Tamim noticed something out of place about his vehicle. It was an opening, a sliver of hope left bare by the odd cosmic forces that fuck with our minds daily, nightly and ever so rightly. For just above the window, Tamim caught glimpse of what was literally ...
An opening. Like a sign of mercy from the Lord and a beckoning for Tamim to accept this most daring of challenges, Tamim saw that he'd left his windows slightly open to prevent the solar exposed car from turning into Satan's vagina.
And that's when Tamim's gears really started turning, whirring, nay, revving. Tamim looked around to see if there were any useful items he could use.
Walking back towards the factory, Tamim noticed a pile.
Like the afterbirth placenta of a Transformer, there were wires and electronic junk lying in a heap. Analyzing each item, Tamim came to the conclusion that the unlocking device would have to somehow slip in through the crevice, hook on to the lock and clasp it with enough torque so as to be yankable (yes, Tamim makes up words; he believes that if you can understand what they mean, then they are officially words. Revolution is evolution - Tamim ... or perhaps Mandella, same difference). After several failed designs in his head, including a donkey-powered jetpack, a nuclear-powered window vaporizing device and an armadillo suit, Tamim decided to keep it real and selected the simplest of items.
Using my ultra-super mechanical powers, bestowed upon me from Tamim Sr., the father and high-borne engineer, and Abu Tamim, the grandfather and irrefutable philosopher of the East (but not Hashim the great grandfather and spendthrift, because that guy was a party animal and a destroyer of future generations' wealth!), I fashioned an elaborate little contraption that I joyously dubbed "Door Opening Rubber Apparatus", or ...
Like a pedophile finding out about a children's fair in his neighborhood, Tamim rushed to his car with his instrument in hand. As I neared the door, I looked up at the heavens and took a deep breath.
There was a slight cloud cover forming overhead, and a breeze brushed past me, reminiscent of the time I baked cupcakes for the first time and kept the oven door open too long, nearly burning away my eyebrows. I then whispered to myself.
"Lawd, I'm seriously, this had better work, or else. Or else what? Exactly. Amen."
With that, I began operation Satan fingering. Like a pedophile creeping up behind a sleeping child, I slipped my instrument in cautiously and quietly. A sweat was building up on my brow as I used my fingers to position the device right. I repeated the attempt, pulling and repositioning the noose to lock on to the door lock, but to no avail.
Like a pedophile at a retirement home, I was starting to get frustrated.
I pulled the contraption out, took a deep breath and bowed my head, convincing myself that I was going to do this. That Tamim would not fail today. This was not just a simple guy-unlocks-car-using-Nobel-Award-worthy-craftsmanship. For eons I had accepted that some things were beyond my abilities and that the universe had not provided me with the tools or resources to achieve what I had sought. But today would not be that day. For today, Tamim would right his wrongs to my peers, to the timeline of this world and its sentient and non-sentient beings. This was my chance to prove to the universe that I was worthy of life, that I could create constructs out of heaps of junk and survive without having to resort to others. This was an homage to my ancestors, human, animal and single-celled organisms, to my peers who saw potential in me when I could not, and to my mother and wife, and all the cats and turtles I had lost over the years.
Like a pedophile who was 2 inches deep, I was gonna keep going.
I slipped DORA back into the opening but this time, used my Powers of Gym to lower the window a bit more so as to gain improved manoeuvrability. The Ride of the Valkyries began to play in my head as thunder clouds rolled in the heavens above, and a light peered down upon me like a hallowed spotlight, as if the hand of God was guiding the hand of Tamim. It was at that moment that Tamim realized, he would not fail.
... And then, it happened.
DORA, that elaborate little bitch, went straight to on to the lock and latched herself with a precision that would put car thieves to shame.
Like pedophile staring at a naked midget, I was pleasantly shocked. DORA had me going for a while, but she had finally delivered. I carefully yanked the ends of the noose and pulled up the lock.
"YEEEAAAAAAASSSSSAH!"
I yelled in ecstasy as fireworks began exploding all around, the symphony of 'Chariots of Fire' echoing throughout the cosmos. I unbuttoned my shirt, spread my arms all Leo de Capri like and began twirling around in slow motion. The fireworks began to get more intense and elaborate, forming psychedelic, rainbow-like patterns. And that's when Tamim realized these weren't fireworks, this was intense sunstroke and dehydration.
Snapping himself out of it, Tamim opened the door as an insurmountable amount of joy overcame me. He quickly leaned in, grabbed the keys, cursed them for their insolence, and praised DORA for her competence. This was a victory, a conquest of epic proportions, a glimpse into all that I could have been and all I would be.
For this was a reminder from the universe. That this world of ours was indeed a pile of junk, rubble and scattered elements, all waiting to be rearranged into crafty items that would do our bidding. The Earth and the universe are Tamim's playgrounds, and Tamim has only just begun playing.
The bloody car keys!
Well this happened to Tamim today in the scorching heat of the barren desert factory that is Packages Ltd. And Friday prayers were already under way so Tamim had to abandon the efforts until after expressing his frustrations with the Lord.
"Why, Lord?", Tamim cried after his prayers, standing at the very edge of the mosque which was exposed to direct sunlight, the ground too rocky and broiling to sit or stand on for more than a few seconds. "Why doth Thee forsake the Tamim?" But the Lord did not respond. He simply let the sun and insufferable heat scorch me as the horde of worshippers trampled before and behind me, their impatience yet another indicator of the bitch of a heatwave festering our beings.
Miserable and frustrated, Tamim trudged back to his car after callously putting his sandals back on and began contemplating the next irksome steps for regaining access to his butthole of a vehicle.
Tamim will have to call the father, he thought, or perhaps take a rickshaw, go all the way back home in the mind-melting heat, grab the spare key, explain to any bystanders I bump into at home how I ended up in this horror for the 547th time, and then drive all the way back to work only to find that the day was beyond done. Needless to say, Tamim was displeased.
But just as he was nearing his car, Tamim noticed something out of place about his vehicle. It was an opening, a sliver of hope left bare by the odd cosmic forces that fuck with our minds daily, nightly and ever so rightly. For just above the window, Tamim caught glimpse of what was literally ...
An opening. Like a sign of mercy from the Lord and a beckoning for Tamim to accept this most daring of challenges, Tamim saw that he'd left his windows slightly open to prevent the solar exposed car from turning into Satan's vagina.
And that's when Tamim's gears really started turning, whirring, nay, revving. Tamim looked around to see if there were any useful items he could use.
Walking back towards the factory, Tamim noticed a pile.
Like the afterbirth placenta of a Transformer, there were wires and electronic junk lying in a heap. Analyzing each item, Tamim came to the conclusion that the unlocking device would have to somehow slip in through the crevice, hook on to the lock and clasp it with enough torque so as to be yankable (yes, Tamim makes up words; he believes that if you can understand what they mean, then they are officially words. Revolution is evolution - Tamim ... or perhaps Mandella, same difference). After several failed designs in his head, including a donkey-powered jetpack, a nuclear-powered window vaporizing device and an armadillo suit, Tamim decided to keep it real and selected the simplest of items.
Using my ultra-super mechanical powers, bestowed upon me from Tamim Sr., the father and high-borne engineer, and Abu Tamim, the grandfather and irrefutable philosopher of the East (but not Hashim the great grandfather and spendthrift, because that guy was a party animal and a destroyer of future generations' wealth!), I fashioned an elaborate little contraption that I joyously dubbed "Door Opening Rubber Apparatus", or ...
DORA the Penetrator
Like a pedophile finding out about a children's fair in his neighborhood, Tamim rushed to his car with his instrument in hand. As I neared the door, I looked up at the heavens and took a deep breath.
There was a slight cloud cover forming overhead, and a breeze brushed past me, reminiscent of the time I baked cupcakes for the first time and kept the oven door open too long, nearly burning away my eyebrows. I then whispered to myself.
"Lawd, I'm seriously, this had better work, or else. Or else what? Exactly. Amen."
With that, I began operation Satan fingering. Like a pedophile creeping up behind a sleeping child, I slipped my instrument in cautiously and quietly. A sweat was building up on my brow as I used my fingers to position the device right. I repeated the attempt, pulling and repositioning the noose to lock on to the door lock, but to no avail.
Like a pedophile at a retirement home, I was starting to get frustrated.
I pulled the contraption out, took a deep breath and bowed my head, convincing myself that I was going to do this. That Tamim would not fail today. This was not just a simple guy-unlocks-car-using-Nobel-Award-worthy-craftsmanship. For eons I had accepted that some things were beyond my abilities and that the universe had not provided me with the tools or resources to achieve what I had sought. But today would not be that day. For today, Tamim would right his wrongs to my peers, to the timeline of this world and its sentient and non-sentient beings. This was my chance to prove to the universe that I was worthy of life, that I could create constructs out of heaps of junk and survive without having to resort to others. This was an homage to my ancestors, human, animal and single-celled organisms, to my peers who saw potential in me when I could not, and to my mother and wife, and all the cats and turtles I had lost over the years.
Like a pedophile who was 2 inches deep, I was gonna keep going.
I slipped DORA back into the opening but this time, used my Powers of Gym to lower the window a bit more so as to gain improved manoeuvrability. The Ride of the Valkyries began to play in my head as thunder clouds rolled in the heavens above, and a light peered down upon me like a hallowed spotlight, as if the hand of God was guiding the hand of Tamim. It was at that moment that Tamim realized, he would not fail.
... And then, it happened.
DORA, that elaborate little bitch, went straight to on to the lock and latched herself with a precision that would put car thieves to shame.
Like pedophile staring at a naked midget, I was pleasantly shocked. DORA had me going for a while, but she had finally delivered. I carefully yanked the ends of the noose and pulled up the lock.
"YEEEAAAAAAASSSSSAH!"
I yelled in ecstasy as fireworks began exploding all around, the symphony of 'Chariots of Fire' echoing throughout the cosmos. I unbuttoned my shirt, spread my arms all Leo de Capri like and began twirling around in slow motion. The fireworks began to get more intense and elaborate, forming psychedelic, rainbow-like patterns. And that's when Tamim realized these weren't fireworks, this was intense sunstroke and dehydration.
Snapping himself out of it, Tamim opened the door as an insurmountable amount of joy overcame me. He quickly leaned in, grabbed the keys, cursed them for their insolence, and praised DORA for her competence. This was a victory, a conquest of epic proportions, a glimpse into all that I could have been and all I would be.
For this was a reminder from the universe. That this world of ours was indeed a pile of junk, rubble and scattered elements, all waiting to be rearranged into crafty items that would do our bidding. The Earth and the universe are Tamim's playgrounds, and Tamim has only just begun playing.
Tamim posing like a boss with DORA and the key
posted by Lord Ire the Irksome @ 2:46 AM
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